I'm crushed.  Yesterday the cardiologist made one of the cruelest comments for a parent to hear...."I don't want you to think that we have run out of options to offer you and are just sending you home to hang out on the couch" !!!! Are you fucking kidding me??? How do you put it out there with the kid sitting right there and no buffer or time to prepare to hear it?

My beautiful boy.  How can this be happening? How can we be at a point where doctors say these sorts of things? How can his life be at this point? I feel like I'm losing my mind.  I feel like the v-tach he went through this past weekend are the same "episodes" he has been having his whole life. So knowing that he has the ICD to jolt him back to center is comforting and that he had the rest of the day to be "normal" that he was able to celebrate his birthday with his friends that night ... all of that is good for me and I think for him.  But both of us hearing the doctor say that comment and putting out there another procedure that the best guy to do it is at the Mayo Clinic.. it shocked us both.  And I know he's struggling to handle it.  He's cuddlier, and more loving and gentler... He has verbalized that he doesn't like the idea that it isn't as easy as having the device and taking the meds and living his life, but that he gets this is his deal and he'll deal with it.  He just doesn't want to be boxed and told he has limitations and I'll punch anyone who tries to do that to him.

God is here. God is giving us strength. God will carry us through these deep waters... I am trying so hard to find comfort in that. That God has this under control and I should get that and free myself to enjoy each moment and day that I have with both my boys.  But as soon as I get there, slightly, the fear of days without him slams me in the gut and I break back down and allow the fear back in.  How do I handle this in the best way possible for Jake? For Joe? I feel like I'm the one leading the family by example.  Like everyone is looking to me to get their cue.

This is not a light and breezy load I'm carrying. God knows I'm strong...am I strong enough for this?